Thursday, April 5 started simple enough. I dropped off my cleaning before heading across the street, literally, for my 9:30 am ophthalmologist appointment. After about an hour, one technician and two ophthalmologists later l was leaving with an appointment for April 18 to see a retinal specialist. Discouraged by the two week wait I comforted myself with the idea that maybe it is not that bad.

Upon arriving home I looked over the brochure of Retinal Consultants which has a number of locations and doctors. I was slated to see Dr Tsai at the Elk Grove office, the only ocular oncologist. Personally, I had never seen those two words together. Shit, it is bad.

First let me say that I am one of those that (almost) never answers the phone if I do not recognize the number. I also (almost) never answer the phone if I am driving. However, the next day, Friday April 6 I was on my way to a luncheon when my phone rang. Yes, I answered. It was my ophthalmologist wondering if I could make an 1 pm appointment with Retinal Consultants at the Citrus Heights location. Absolutely. At this point I want to give a huge “Shout Out” to Griffin and Reed, my ophthalmologist for their follow up. I am so incredibly grateful.

The office was busy. They were clearly double and maybe even triple booked. I waited awhile but grateful for the appointment. I was eventually led back to essentially another waiting room where they dilated my eyes. After about 10 minutes I was taken to a room to wait for the doctor. The door remained open and I amused myself with watching the bustle of activity. The doctors and staff clearly work hard.

Eventually, the doctor came in, as it turns out it was Dr Tsai. I was both pleased and perhaps a little frightened at the same time fearing the worse. After a very pleasant introduction he looked at my eyes through one of those ‘eye machines’. Unfortunately my left eye, the one with the problem had not fully dilated so Dr Tsai excused himself to see other patients. Again, I entertained myself with the bustle of activity. He briefly stuck his head in to say he had not forgot about me which I thought very kind given how busy he clearly was. Upon his return he told me that he would be looking at my eyes again through the machine and speaking jargon to the technician that would be taking notes.

Mind you I am a fairly pragmatic person and have a particularly dry even dark sense of humor but still. Upon concluding his exam he stated - You have cancer. It is a choroidal melanoma. If this type of cancer spreads it goes to the liver and the lungs. In order to get the tumor out we will likely have to take the eye as well. I know this is a lot to take in but it was good meeting you and they can help you at the front desk with your next appointment. I sat there dumbfounded for a minute talking to the technician about who knows what. Actually, I appreciated his frankness and I know he was slammed with patients that day and it is not like I wanted a hug.

I remember sitting in the car and calling Mela, my wife. I still recall saying that I have cancer and if it has not spread to my liver and lungs that I should live but will lose my eye which I realize lacked a certain decorum. But I had my marching orders. I needed to get blood work and a CT Scan prior to my next appointment with Dr Tsai on April 18.

That Monday I went and got my blood work taken care of. I could not get an appointment for the scan until Friday the 13th - nothing ominous about that. So many of the days in between are such a blur but the night before was Mela’s 15th Anniversary client appreciation party that she had been planning for months. She has been selling real estate for fifteen years and works very hard on behalf of her clients. She had a great turnout and was very pleased with the event. I was glad for the distraction of the event but also looking forward to progressing with my journey.

Saying I was a little anxious about the scan is understatement. I am claustrophobic and they were looking for more cancer. I was glad when it was completed. Now all I could do is wait for the appointment on the 18th.

I digress but my wife and I are both dog people. We have two standard poodles, Sam and Lila. Sam is an 8 year-old black standard poodle and retired champion show dog. By all accounts Sam is a very proud and dignified dog. Lila is a 14 month old red standard poodle. If she was human she would be one that drank champagne out of the bottle and smoked cigars. It was around March 1 that our dear Sam got a deep tissue cancer and he started to lose weight which was devastating to Mela and I.

Our home is two stories and the master bedroom is upstairs. The cancer had impacted his left hind leg and I would carry him up and down the stairs. Of course our back deck also has steps which I would carry him up and down so he could go potty. We had made reservations a couple of months back for the last two games of Giants spring training in Scottsdale toward the end of March. We flew out on Thursday, March 22 and returned late Sunday, the 25th. My daughter, Nicole, her boyfriend, Dwight and granddaughter, Niko watched the house and took care of Sam and Lila in our absence.

Monday night while watching TV with Sam laying next to me on the chair I just wept. He looked at me with such sad eyes and looked so thin. I told Mela that this weekend we may have to consider putting him down.

At the risk of being a really bad version of “This is Us” and looking back even more, I took an early retirement late last year after three decades in the field of government affairs. Consequently, I had spent an inordinate amount of time with Sam the last few months. Mela and I think he got depressed when we were away in Scottsdale. Anyway, prednisone and puppy prayers worked miracles. He has put on weight and the cysts have disappeared. Unfortunately, he broke his right front leg jumping off the deck steps to greet me upon my return from the gym. The X-ray showed that it is surrounded by the cancer and has remained splinted - and I gladly continue to carry him up and down the stairs.

He has shown such strength. Hopefully, his little sister has learned a thing or two - I know I have. He has done so much more for me than carry me up or down a few stairs. Sam remains strong and still chases squirrels. I guess he knew how much I would need him as I continue this journey.

Wednesday April 18 finally arrived. I am glad for my wife’s company as we head to the appointment. Again more testing including an ultrasound. I asked if it was a boy but I think my attempt at humor was lost.

It was time to see Dr Tsai. He again had on a bow tie like the first time I saw him. Perhaps it is his signature. After reviewing the results from the various tests he confirmed what we both already knew but did have additional information. The tumor was of some size and was attached to the optic nerve. The eye would have to go. I guess I appeared non-plussed and indicated to him that I had started to make peace with the fact that I was going to lose the eye. The fact is I am already about 80% blind due to the tumor. He was concerned that radiation might cause other long term damage and not really resolve the issue and taking the eye was the best alternative.

He was very encouraging in explaining the prosthetic eye and most people will not even know I have a prosthetic eye. The disappointment came when he said he did not have the results from the scan. While I was encouraged about the looks of the eye I really wanted the scan results. To a large extent I knew the other piece. While I was checking out they indicated that results just arrived and do I want to talk to the doctor. Hell yes. He said it was all good news. The cancer had not spread!

I left the office that day bordering on euphoric. I had a plan of action, the cancer had not spread, eye prosthetics look great and was getting an appointment with the surgeon, Dr Alex Grand. My wife and I were both hungry and Chick-fil-a was around the corner. The frosted lemonade did nothing to diminish my state of euphoria - what a simple but sinfully delicious treat.

Less than 24 hours later the euphoria had long passed and the harsh reality of the need to remove my left eye in order to remove the nickel sized tumor that had attached itself to the optic nerve of my left eye. I find it ironic that a nickel sized tumor in so many other locations may prove to be of no ‘real consequence’ but of such magnitude behind the eye.

That Wednesday night I had drinks Mela’s brother, Rick who is a few years older. I am 58. It had become a Wednesday night thing for which I am most appreciative. He has not met me with any platitudes of ‘count your blessings’ or ‘be strong’ etc. It has just been ‘Let’s meet for a drink’ and we talk about nothing. Mind you Rick is a talker - in a good way and also a good listener. Not as good as Sam and Lila but good. Please do not get me wrong - you do need to count your blessings even if it is only the absence of more bad news.

It was three weeks before I met with my surgeon. About two weeks for the paperwork process and then a week out for scheduling. The process has really been fairly efficient but I have come to the conclusion that the seeming delays are to provide time for you to process this life changing experience. Or to put it in more basic terms - you want to go old school western movie on it - cheap bottle of booze, a bullet to bite on and a hunting knife to cut the tumor out yourself. But the day dream quickly fades and you realize that the finely skilled hands of a gifted surgeon in a sterile environment is the preferred method.

Mela again accompanied me to the May 9 appointment. We did not wait long at all before meeting with Dr Grand. After briefly exchanging pleasantries, he explained the surgery in no uncertain terms. It was fascinating but I guess I wish it wasn’t me (I would not wish it on anybody). I may miss some detail but essentially the eye is connected to four primary muscles located at 12, 3, 6 and 9. The surgeon cuts the eye from those muscles and puts in its place a eye shaped silicon ball which he attaches to those muscles. From my understanding I will then meet with someone that creates something like a contact lens that matches my eye. Perhaps post surgery this will be clarified but it is the gist of it.

Excellent, more progress had been made but left somewhat discouraged. We had been told that it could be up to six weeks before a surgery date. The technician said the surgery would be on a Wednesday or Thursday and that she would call. I mentally looked at the calendar thinking there is no way to schedule it by the 16th, the 23rd would be a mini miracle and hopefully by May 30th. I got my mini miracle. The surgery is scheduled for Thursday May 24th at 1:15 pm. I was thrilled, relieved and petrified. Luckily, I was meeting Rick that night for drinks.

I wish to pause here and truly thank all the health care professionals I have dealt with to date. As I mentioned earlier, the follow up of the doctors and staff at Griffin and Reed was instrumental in getting this train out of the station. Again I am grateful. The staff of my primary care physician, Dr Hussam Kujok has been most kind and helpful in providing the needed referrals and answering my ‘dumb’ questions. Dr Tsai and the staff at Retinal Consultants have been most thorough, professional and understanding with the care they have provided. I liked my visit with Dr Grand and look forward to a most successful surgery.

I have always been blessed with relatively good health and this at best has been a difficult experience. I remember getting a physical at 18 in order that I could take SCUBA diving as a class at Sac State. My next physical was at 40. It is not something I recommend but I was healthy. Once I turned 50 I have found myself at the doctor on an annual basis for a check-up and the dreaded colonoscopy. The point being I do not know the insurance, doctor, surgery etc process at all. All I could do was ask questions and was always glad for an empathetic response.

Sam and Lila would be disappointed if I did not give credit where credit is due. They have been great companions and friends during this ordeal. You would be hard pressed to find better listeners as well as such uncompromising and unconditional love. I doubt that I have been the pillar of strength through this ordeal but they do not care and neither do I. Whether it has been a bad 5 minutes, morning, afternoon or the whole damned day they were simply there.

I am equally blessed with a loving wife that has tolerated me. Mela is a cancer survivor herself. Perhaps somewhat ironically this is her 5th year of being cancer free. We were engaged 6 weeks after her diagnosis of colorectal cancer and August 11, 2018 will be our five year wedding anniversary.

This is now a bad Oscar acceptance speech but I am so eternally grateful to all the friends, family members and our church, Vintage Grace that has extended their good thoughts, wishes and prayers and so much more over the last six weeks.

The weekend between May 9 and May 16 was Mother’s Day weekend. I think my mom, wife and daughter were able to enjoy themselves. Saturday, May 12 we drove to a wine event at Seavey Vineyards in St Helena where we met Mela’s daughter, Gina and her boyfriend, Steven. It was a beautiful day and the wine poured freely. It was a great Mother’s Day for Mela given how close the two of them are. Additionally, my daughter and Gina are close in age and get along like long time friends and sisters.

The next day, Sunday, Nicole, Dwight, Niko and my Mom came to our home for a Mother’s Day Brunch. It was a good day. It was a true blessing to have four generations at our home on Mother’s Day.

Already May 17th and one more week until my surgery. A new normal but the tumor will be gone. In regard to routine, I made to the gym this morning and actually every day this week so far. All I really do anymore since my eye is the bike. My eye does not like the light or the flickering of all the TV’s. I can get on the bike and close my eyes while I ride.

I got home and let the dogs out and shortly before Mela left for work we argued about something. Not the best way for us to start the day. I only bring this up because life is messy no matter the circumstances. That being said does the cancer card trump the happy wife happy life card? Oops. Nevermind. She had cancer too.

Like so many of us I looked forward to the beginning of the year. However, I spent about the first 6 weeks, for all intents and purposes with the flu. I thought OK I will finish February strong and conclude with a strong first quarter. I did pass my real estate exam at the end of February and have joined my wife. Then in March Sam got cancer.

Fine, the second quarter will be great. Mela’s birthday is April 4 and she had a good day. I had called a jeweler in Scottsdale that we went to during our stay and ordered a cross that she had admired. I fixed a nice dinner that night and we went out for dinner, to The Waterboy in midtown Sacramento, on Saturday evening. The next day, Thursday April 5 things took a turn for the worse. So much for the second quarter at least as far as plans were concerned. My point to this is simply that life happens.

It is now Friday and only six more days. I continue to make peace with my upcoming surgery. As I have mentioned I am about 80% blind in my left eye and the remaining 20% is blurry. I honestly think I will actually see better post surgery. The hard part is I have been a long time photographer and entering the field of real estate. Vision is something of a prerequisite. I will protect my right eye with my life.

Have I said yet that cancer sucks? Cancer sucks!

During my visit with Dr Tsai he had said that with my written permission, which I gladly granted, they would do a biopsy on the tumor. From this they would do a genetic mark-up and determine if I fell into a low, medium or high risk of the cancer returning. I think this boils down to how often I get a CT scan.

In my mind (which Mela often questions) I see this description through a different lens. A foot soldier of evil has been captured. Taken to a undisclosed location, he is interrogated by any and all means to ascertain the necessary intelligence to determine if the enemy will return. Upon determining that he has surrendered all that to which he is privy - he is summarily drawn and quartered.

Cancer has taken so many thousands of innocents. Thousands more have survived and thrived. But we all bare the scars of this war some more visible than others. For years the moniker has been cancer survivor. But I believe it should be Cancer Warrior. So many have fought this battle and will continue to do so. There is no room for pacifists.

A basket case would be an apt description if my surgery was anytime in June. It is Saturday May 19 and only five more days - about 120 hours but who’s counting. Sam, Lila and I went for a walk this morning. It was Sam’s first walk since getting a splint - it has been sometime. The vet, Dr Kaplow, had cut down a much larger splint this past week for Sam since he had been breaking the others. It appears to be working well. Sam did great and Lila was her usual self. Sammy the Bad Ass and Big Red are the nicknames that I have attributed to them.

We are having this beautiful spring weather but living like that of a half-human and half-vampire. My eye and the sun do not get along well at all. I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of winking. Just another reminder that I will be blessed to get rid of this tumor.

Tonight we have our loosely affiliated wine club gathering. It is a great group of people. And there is wine. What better way to end the day.

Sunday begins with a great service at our church, Vintage Grace. Drew, our pastor is kind enough to say a prayer with Mela and I before we head off to brunch with some dear friends. We go home long enough to get our four legged children, Sam and Lila, and then head toward the foothill wine country of Amador County. Specifically Renwood Winery to pick-up our wine and relax. Eddy takes care of us as we sit and taste wine and enjoy the day. He is a great young man that we have come to know and he shows us pictures of his five month old daughter, Gemma before he must go and take care of another customer.

While we had just finished a brunch of eggs benedict and hash browns - what is red wine without chocolate dipped macaroons and brownies? We have enjoyed the afternoon and it is time to go. We have our member wine and another half dozen bottles. Mela is next to me, our poodles are in the back, the music is up, windows down and I let all of my worries and concerns drift with each twist and turn of the road- at least for a little while.

I get to the gym Monday morning and make my way to the bike. I sit on the bike, close my eyes and ride alone with my thoughts. I make the mistake of weighing myself at the end of the ride. The scale has not been particularly kind of late. Too bad eyes don’t weigh ten pounds.

Aside from a few errands of little consequence Monday afternoon was all about getting my EKG and clearance for surgery from my primary care physician, Dr Kujok. Perhaps contrary to the belief of some I do indeed have a heart and is thankfully strong enough to see me through my upcoming surgery. I am good to go.

Monday night was not a good nights sleep and there was no bike riding with eyes closed this morning. I doubt that today will be burdened with productivity. I think it is a good day to just chill with my four legged friends.

Slept like a baby. What a difference a day makes. Well tomorrow is the big day. Maybe not like Harry and Meghan big but big. Actually I will be wearing a gown of sorts. And there was paparazzi this morning. Ok technically not paparazzi but Mela did hire a photographer to photograph us for our real estate website. Kind of ironic t.hat I have professional photographs taken the day before my surgery. Back to my point I will be having drinks with Rick this evening so that it like the groom’s last night out. And I will spend most of tomorrow sedated and Friday not wanting to leave bed. I guess it really is like a wedding. I probably should not be allowed time to have my mind wander.